


The Choice

by VividDayDreamer



Series: Find The Love You Were Meant To Have [1]
Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Break Up, Dating, Difficult Decisions, Don’t copy to another site, Drinking to Cope, F/F, Heartache, Implied/Referenced Sex, Mild Language, Pain, Player has Carmen's Back...Always, Regret, Relationship(s), Song Based, Suffering, Troubled Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-07 17:59:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17965406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VividDayDreamer/pseuds/VividDayDreamer
Summary: A love born from different worlds, Carmen and Julia try to hold onto what they knew was forbidden.  But when you love someone so much, all you want in the entire world, is for them to be happy, forever, and sometimes, that means letting go.





	1. Carmen's Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

>   
> Inspired by a song which will be revealed at the end, so not to spoil the story.  
> 

Carmen has had a crush on Julia the moment she met her. There was something intriguing about the agent that just made Carmen focus all her attention on her. Every word she uttered had depth and meaning, sincerity and interest. And, it didn't hurt that she was pretty. Very pretty for an agent, she thought. Even her glasses added to her overall appeal. It touted her as an intellectual, though Carmen never doubted that the woman wasn't as smart as she looked. Somehow though, she also thought that those frames masked a deeper beauty.

Knowing that she couldn't stop thinking of her, Carmen had decided that she wanted to meet her again, and possibly get to know her better. But, it was tricky. In all actuality, the woman was on the opposing side of her own. A game of cops and robbers, where it wasn't common practice for their types to mingle. Not in the sense that Carmen intended anyhow. It had taken some help from Player to get information on the woman's background, consisting mainly of details in her life that had been recorded on paper over various points in time. They were all facts and numbers really, nothing concrete to indicate to her what the woman's personality was like. Her only knowledge of her in that area was based on the short interaction they previously had.

But, push came to shove, and with preservation and pure will of heart, Carmen made it happen. She mustered up the courage, and was backed by enough evidence (though really it was her perception of the situation), that made her believe that Julia was a "good cop". The thief believed that she could trust her, and that she wouldn't immediately attempt to arrest her without first hearing her out and getting to know who she really was. And, although she had every intention of being her true self around the agent, she had no intentions of spilling all her secrets at once. She wasn't that gullible.

On their first date, or what Carmen considered to be a date, she had gotten to know Julia even more, seeing everything that she believed the first time. The woman was just as beautiful as she remembered, spoke just as intelligently, and her accent made her melt. Despite their worlds being so different and constantly at odds with one another, after a few rounds of wine, they broke through that mold, finding nothing but the raw souls behind them. Two of a kind, looking for love and finding it in one another.

A match made in heaven, they both thought, but, passion can be blinding, and they knew that well. Caught in the depths of each other's affection, the world didn't matter, but those moments flitted away the instant they left the comfort of each other's company. The real world was there, waiting for them. A world that told them that they weren't meant to be. Carmen had her missions and goals, and they were the same ones that conflicted with Julia's objectives.

But then, if that weren't enough, there were other circumstances that would have hindered their relationship had they decided to move forward. There was the idea of secrecy. Secrecy between their colleagues, their friends, and for Julia, those she reported to. Then, there was the idea of the constant distance between them. Carmen's traveling meant that she was always hopping around from location to location, and more often than not, they were worlds apart for a good amount of time. It was true that Julia took many trips herself, but they were always steps behind her, purposefully done by Carmen of course, to evade capture. However, that also meant that they were rarely in the same place at the same time. Both of them knew all these things and had spoken about it in depth before, never really solidifying their relationship because of it. Yet, they carried on seeing each other. But for Carmen, these issues constantly weighed heavy on her mind.

In the span of about four months, they were lucky enough to have had three dates. With such little time to spend with one another, they made the most of it. They chatted, dined, drank, and even danced under the moonlight on the rooftop of a French museum. There was more than enough passion, brought to life between the sweet embraces of one another, the tender kisses that melded them together, and the heat of their love between the sheets. Time was never lost on them. Every moment counted.

It was on their fourth rendezvous, that they shared a breathtaking evening together on a dinner cruise that floated across the Seine River. They immersed themselves in gourmet French cuisine, paired lovely with champagne and wine. They hummed, swayed and laughed to the tunes of the live band that performed on deck. They awed at the beauty of the cityscape at night, seeing everything from the Louvre Museum, to the Notre Dame Cathedral, to the Eiffel Tower. And, most of all, they allowed themselves to be captivated by each other's presence. 

Everything was perfect. Everything, from the sly glances they gave to one other, to the spine-tingling touch of Julia's foot, as she grazed it along Carmen's leg, to the way that Carmen played with Julia's hair, caressing her face and neck, giving the woman goosebumps with every sensual touch, to finally the way their lips met, ever so softly at first, then quickening their pace, attempting to engulf each other as passion began to take hold. They always stopped themselves short, grinning as they did so, only when they had felt out of breath, or believed that they were headed down a path that would lead to inappropriate behavior in a public setting.

By the end of the cruise, they felt content at having spent yet another memorable experience with each other. They walked off the boat's ramp, and onto the dock, along with the other couples that had shared in the romantic pleasantries that the evening had provided. For a moment, the two had stopped along the water, leaned up on the railing and stared up at the crescent moon. Carmen held Julia from behind, wrapping the woman in a blanket of warmth, with their heads leaned on each other as they savored in yet another affectionate moment. The silence had been suddenly broken by a sharp shriek, followed by cries of joy. They both looked over as they watched a woman, overcome with excitement, accept a man's token of love, as he knelt down on one knee. Carmen and Julia, along with others close-by, couldn't help but become overwhelmed with happiness for the two, as the contagiousness of their love had seeped its way into everyone's hearts, feeling within themselves a similar sense of joy, by being there with the one they loved.

It was that moment, that Carmen's smile started to fade as she continued to watch the two fall into an embrace. Her eyes began to water as she watched him lift the woman up in his arms, with her own heart growing heavy at the sight of their kiss. She glanced over to Julia, whose gaze was still captivated by the romantic scene. Carmen swallowed hard, wondering if there would ever be a chance that they too, could share in something so fulfilling. Something that would cement their love for one another.

It had only been a brief encounter with those two in the distance, but it was enough to shake up Carmen's world. Somehow all the doubt she'd kept away about her and Julia, came rushing in, filling her with deep sorrow and regret. Julia, finally broken from the trance of the love-stricken couple, came to worry suddenly at seeing the despair written all over Carmen's face.

"Carmen? Is...everything alright? What's wrong?" she inquired, as she pressed her hand against the woman's cheek.

"I...It's nothing, Jules," she said, snapping from her sorrow and putting on a "normal" facade instead. "I just remembered how early I have to fly out in the morning is all," she continued.

Julia's worries melted away, relieved hearing about the irrelevant thought.

"We have tonight, my love. Let's not dwell on that now."

Seeing that same glow on Julia's face, saddened Carmen even more, though this time, she dared not to show any of it.

"You're right, Jules. We have tonight."  


* * *

  
Throughout the shared cab ride home, Carmen remained quiet about the feelings that continued to tear up her heart. She let Julia lean into her like she always did, and allowed her arm to wrap around the woman's shoulders like she always had, never once wanting to disturb what remained of their peaceful time together. It wasn't until they reached the front door of Julia's apartment, after the woman had opened the door and grabbed her by the hand to lead her in, in the same way she always had, that Carmen stopped short.

"No need to feel shy now," Julia said jokingly, until she saw the seriousness of Carmen's demeanor. 

"You're dwelling on something again," she added. "Let's not worry about your trip. Please. We only have a few hours until then, and who knows when we'll see each other next. Let's just finish the night like we always have and..."

"I can't, Jules," Carmen suddenly interrupted, making Julia second guess at what she had said.

"What do you mean, you can't? What's wrong? There's...something you're not telling me. Isn't there?"

Carmen shifted past Julia into the apartment, realizing that they should probably keep their conversation private. After shutting the door, Julia turned, repeating her question to Carmen.

"Carmen? What's troubling you this evening? You're usually not this worked up about your travel plans..."

Carmen's heart sunk further as her thoughts swirled in her mind, knowing what she wanted to say, but couldn't quite figure out how to phrase them best. Her selfish emotions pleaded for her to put this all aside and let her enjoy what she had, no matter how short of a time it was. But, at the same time, her mind kept bringing to light what had been evident all along; that their relationship could never last. She swallowed hard, turning towards Julia, seeing the concern and worry in her eyes. In the back of her head, she heard voices urging her to continue, saying that it was for the best, but that it would hurt like hell.

"Jules...," she strained to start. "I love you."

"I love you too, Carmen. Please, what is bothering you?" she pleaded again, taking the woman's wrists in her hands, urging Carmen to let her comfort her and know whatever it was that was bothering her.

"Jules...what we have...," she stuttered. "It can't ever be. Not like those people we saw at the dock," she said, choking back her feelings as much as possible.

"Carmen, there's no need to rush anything. We have time. We can work things out..."

"No, Jules. It'll never work out. Me and V.I.L.E...., we'll be at each other's throats for an undetermined amount of time. You know how important it is for me to take them down."

"I understand, but we've already discussed..."

"And you and your job is already at jeopardy. Your safety, if my enemies find out. And your career, if Devineaux or those you report to find out..."

"Carmen..."

"It's not fair, Jules. It's not fair to either one of us to lead each other on like this. I...You deserve so much more. You deserve to be able to be in love with someone, unafraid of showing it to the world. You deserve someone who can be at your side at every waking moment. You deserve someone who could make you smile as you turn beside them every day in bed, knowing that your love can't be separated."

"Carmen...what are you babbling on about?" Julia pleaded, reaching her hands up towards the collar of the woman's jacket, only to be denied by the lady in red, who pushed away her advances.

"Jules...I love you. I love you so much that it hurts that I can't be any of those things. We...we can't do this anymore. You deserve the chance to find real love out there. I'm...I'm only stopping you from finding that," she admitted, her voice shaking with the very last bit of strength she had, feeling her world fall apart at hearing every word she had uttered.

"Carmen. Please. Listen to me. I love you too. Our love...this is real. It's going to be hard. We both knew that going into it. I don't want this to end," she said, trembling at the near certainty of what Carmen's words were suggesting, with tears already falling down the sides of her face.

"I'm so sorry, Jules," she finished. She let her hands take hold of Julia's head, tilting it down gently to kiss the top of it, closing her eyes and inhaling her scent for the very last time.

"Carmen..."

"Goodbye, Jules. Please...find the love you deserve."

With that, Carmen left, shutting the door behind her, never looking back, as tears streamed down her own face. That night, the ache in her heart grew a hundred times heavier than it ever did.


	2. Julia's Goodbye

An excruciating two months had gone by since, and Carmen had never been the same again. To her, the days had become longer, darker even, with having nothing to look forward to. On the job, her capers had been successful, though at times, only barely so. From time to time, something around her had hinted of Julia, sending waves of nostalgia back, along with the pain and heartache. All that eventually sent her thoughts spiralling out of control, enough to even distract her. Incidences like that came about more often than not at first, leaving Carmen's body with physical reminders, implanted on her by her enemies, all resulting from the dangers of losing focus. There was a scar here and there from Paper Star, a fractured rib or two from Tigress, an unwelcomed jolt of energy that surged through her, courtesy of Crackle, a near paralyzing blow to the back from Le Chevre, or that time she nearly lost her sight as El Topo swiped at her face. 

At night, she opened up her computer to find some way to distract herself. Normally, she'd indulge in a bit of reading or sightsee around the town on her free time. But these days, she lazed about, watched TV, wasted time on the internet, or just listened to music. Occasionally, she'd open up Julia's file to see the accompanying photo of her in it, touching at the screen as she reminisced about the feeling of warmth and softness of her skin. She still hadn't healed, and knowing how it affected her, she dreaded knowing of how Julia must have been feeling since then.

Carmen never fully realized what losing someone you loved meant, at least not the depths of which it did. At first, the pain in her heart, the heaviness in her chest, all seemed like the world was crushing down on her. She missed having someone to hold, and someone to hold her back. She missed those lips, the ones that felt like they were made for her, enveloping her in a loving and safe haven every time they met. She missed the feel of Julia's skin pressed upon her own, as they'd wake up in the morning, wrapped in each other's arms, after spending a night of passion together. For a while, the tears easily came at the very thought of the agent in black. She tried her best to hide it well from her team, and she did. Being once taught back at V.I.L.E. at how to control one's emotions, so as to not give away a thing, proved useful, and it was the first time that she'd had to honestly employ those skills. But, in the confines of her room, she broke down, letting her walls fall, allowing her emotions to pour out. Over time, having that outlet, helped her to heal. Slowly. She had to keep reminding herself that what she did was for the best. But there were many days that she doubted it.

More months had gone by, nearly reaching a year at this point, and though Carmen had survived the ordeal, love had escaped her. She feared the subject, worried about the fragility of her heart, one that would no doubt allow every memory and every feeling regarding Julia, to surge back in. She feared getting hurt again, or hurting someone else. And so, on the anniversary of their first date, she once more opened up her computer, staring at the face she could no longer touch. Her eyes wandered away shamefully from the woman's, focusing instead on the black and white printing that detailed the factual information of her life. It just so happened that she noticed the woman's birthday, realizing that it was only weeks from then. She remembered celebrating with her last year, by surprising her with a trip to a remote island in Greece. There, the sun never felt brighter, and the air never felt crisper.

Bringing her gaze back to Julia's photo, she thought she'd do something nice. She wasn't sure what, but she was compelled to do...something. She worked with Player to find out what the agent in black had been up to recently.

"Wait, what do you mean she doesn't live in Paris anymore?" Carmen asked, very much confused.

"Not just that. She's no longer working with any of the known authorities or agencies in the area," Player added, as he searched up everything he could about Julia.

"What does that even mean? She's always wanted to climb up the ladder...Player, are you sure?"

Player listened in on Carmen's nervous apprehension. He was the only one on the team that had a clue on how close Carmen had been with the agent. He wasn't a fool. He knew how to read between the lines, and the tone of their conversations had always hinted at such. Every time she "disappeared" for the day, she always returned in the best of spirits, energized and ready for the next mission. That is, with the exception of that dreadful night. That evening had been so rough on Carmen, that her will to take on the heist had practically diminished. It was Player who had to step in and reschedule it for another day, making an excuse that certain situations had arisen, requiring him to recalculate the details of the plan. His actions, saved Carmen from facing the two redheads about anything.

As he tapped furiously across his keyboard to find any trail of Agent Argent, he worried for Carmen. He worried about the worse case scenario. What if something had happened to Julia, and Carmen hadn't been there? How would Carmen react? How bad would it get? Would she blame herself? Even though he was much younger than her, he had always looked out for her. She was the closest thing he had to a real friend, and he was determined to always be there for her. Finally, he felt a sense of relief, finding out that Julia was alive and well.

"Found her," he said proudly.

"Okay. Spill."

"Looks like she's moved to Italy. To the countryside...some place outside of Parma."

"Italy? I wonder what she's doing out there...," she half mumbled as she thought.

"Why don't you go find out?" he said with glee in his tone. "Booked you a flight out in the morning. I'll get you the hotel details soon."

"Player I never asked you to..."

"You never have to Red," he said with confidence.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."  


* * *

  
Carmen sat on the plane, anxious about what she was going to do when she'd gotten there. It was too early for Jules' birthday, but she brought a little something for her anyway. She hadn't slept at all the night before, and had been wired on a few shots of espresso. Her hands trembled as it held the small, wrapped gift in her hands, tied with a signature red ribbon. Knots filled her stomach, tempting her to almost bail on the whole idea and turn around, but Player assumed all that ahead of time, instructing the pilot to continue on to the destination, without interruption, unless it was a dire emergency. Carmen made a mental note to thank him after all was said and done, but at the moment, she partially held a grudge against him for his intervention. It was that particular moment that Carmen figured Player must've known more than she thought.

When she had landed, Carmen flagged a cab, providing the driver with the address that Player had given. It was Julia's work address. She figured it'd be the better place to surprise her, out in public, rather than showing up unexpectedly at her door. Moments later, she stepped out of the car, taking in a deep breath. The smell of the air was different, clear and unpolluted, and the sun's rays were as bright as any summer day. She smiled as she stood in front of the large building before her. It was no surprise to her that Julia found herself employed at the city's National Gallery.

It was late into the morning when she had arrived. She walked into the museum, expecting to pay the entrance fee before she'd find her, but lo and behold, it was Julia that spotted her first. The woman's heels clicked across the floor in a somewhat rushed pace, but, hesitant at the same time. She'd been fooled many times by illusions in the past, having her thoughts prey on her mind, believing that Carmen was really there; that she was always there. Fearing another trick, she braced herself, took a deep breath, then called out her name.

"Carmen?" she said, full of doubt.

Carmen turned around, with eyes nearing to tears at the sight of the agent, as feelings threatened to flood through her, rattling her nerves. But she remained strong. This wasn't the time to fall apart.

"Jules...," she said with a huge sigh of relief, feeling as if for once, all was right in the world.

Julia immediately wrapped her arms around the woman's shoulders, holding on tightly to prove to herself that it wasn't all a dream. There were many days lost in that hope.

"You really are here...," she mumbled, her face buried in Carmen's coat, finding comfort in the all too familiar scent of the woman's perfume.

"I am Jules," she responded, wrapping her arms around the woman's small frame, remembering everything about that feeling, just as if it were yesterday; puzzle pieces falling back together. Her heart practically melted in that embrace.

Pulling away, Jules wiped her watery eyes, then looked back sternly at her.

"I hated you. I hated you for the longest time."

Carmen expected that. She expected some form of resentment from Julia, and was prepared to hear all of it.

"I'm sorry Jules...," Carmen stated, ready to bear more lecturing or harsh words, but to her surprise, Julia immediately cut her off.

"No. I'm sorry. Let's...not do this. I apologize for bringing it up. I just...harbored those feelings for so long," she said, recomposing herself.

Carmen nodded, relieved to have been spared. She looked at Julia, and, unlike the days of yore, she now wore a modest sun dress rather than her typical business suit, though it still fit her body just as well. Her white dress was decorated with a simple floral, but not busy, pattern. She wore a thin, navy blazer on top of it, with matching flats to complement the full attire. It was definitely a more feminine look for Julia, but Carmen loved it just as much. Eyeing her still, she noticed that the woman seemed more relax and genuinely happy as well, and it brought a smile to Carmen's face as she remembered that look of contentment.

"What are you doing here?" Julia asked.

"I came to see you."

Julia's eyes fell with a bit of disappointment, apprehension pouring out through every movement of her body. Carmen had caught on and tried to remedy the situation somewhat.

"Don't worry. I'm not here to cause any trouble, or...bring back any painful memories," she said remorsefully. "I knew that our anniversary was coming up and...I know we're not together anymore, but I wanted to see you. I know your birthday was approaching too, so...I got you something."

Carmen handed Julia her present, one that she was reluctant to accept at first. Carmen's sudden visit was very unexpected and Julia wasn't prepared in the least. In fact, after the bitter silence that befell her after the woman in red had disappeared so suddenly, she believed she'd never see her again. The whole ordeal had crushed her, and she had gone through such lengths to move on. But now, graced with the woman's presence in front of her, feelings from the past started to rise back up, and she fought to prevent that from happening again.

"It's alright Jules. It's nothing bad. I promise," Carmen insisted, forming a sincere smile. 

Julia finally accepted it and unwrapped the present, revealing a small poetry book.

"Best collection I could find," Carmen said somewhat proudly. "I know you'll love it. We used to talk about poetry a lot and...I thought this would be nice gift."

Swallowing hard from the gesture of her ex-girlfriend, Julia eventually brought herself to smile. 

"Thank you, Carmen."

"You bet, Jules. Hey...Um...are you free now? Do you think...I can...maybe take you out for some coffee?"

Julia hesitated before responding.

"Carmen...," she struggled to say. "I can't. I'm...so very sorry, but I can't."

Seeing Julia distraught, Carmen apologized for the sudden invitation.

"It's alright Jules. If you're busy, I'll be in town for the next few days and we can..."

"Jules! Jules! There you are!"

They both looked down the corridor, seeing a tall, slender man, with short and wavy brown hair, come rushing over.

"I thought you'd honestly left without me this time," he joked, as he wrapped his arm around her waist.

The subtle gesture wasn't left unnoticed by either of the women. Julia pushed his arm aside, feeling the awkwardness of his sudden approach with Carmen there, and Carmen, knew exactly what she saw. She immediately threw her walls up, hiding her emotions behind them. The man then realized he had interrupted their meeting and apologized profusely.

"Hi there. I'm so sorry for interrupting. I didn't know you two were speaking to each other."

"It's alright. We were just saying hello," Carmen responded.

Julia, finding herself in an odd situation, introduced them.

"Tim, this is..."

"Erica," Carmen suddenly interrupted.

"Erica," Julia said, following her lead. "Erica, this is Tim....Timothy," she clarified.

"Pleasure," the man said with a smile, reaching out his hand to shake Carmen's.

The interaction was all but uncomfortable for the two women, and one that Julia couldn't stand for any longer.

"Tim, I'm sorry, but my friend just arrived in town. Would it be alright if we..."

"Say no more. We can catch up for lunch another day. Tomorrow perhaps," he said with a genuinely supportive tone.

"Thank you."

"Of course Jules," he said as he pecked on her on the cheek goodbye. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Erica. Enjoy your stay here in Parma," he said, as he waved goodbye.

Julia ran her hands down her face, not knowing exactly how to feel about any of this.

"Friend of yours?" Carmen joked.

Being unprepared for such a situation, she glared up at the woman's direction, giving her a look of displeasure regarding the whole ordeal.

"I'm sorry for barging in on your life, Jules. I can just leave...," she said, backing away slightly.

"No," Julia responded, grabbing at her sleeve. "You're here now. At the very least, we owe each other a decent conversation over coffee," she finished, smiling back at her.  


* * *

  
They had spent the better part of their coffee, sipping quietly, as they tried to figure out how to even start talking to each other again. With all the uncomfortable topics that floated about them, they didn't know where to begin. Eventually though, it was Julia who broke the silence.

"Carmen, I missed you," she started, sighing deeply. "The way you left me that night..."

Tears started to well up in Julia's eyes, reopening the wounds from that night. Clearly, she still felt for Carmen, or maybe, it was just the thought of the pain. Carmen immediately reached her hands and placed them over Julia's.

"Jules. Don't. Let's not do that to ourselves. What I said was back then was the truth. It was how I felt, and I stick by that. Even now. I'm sorry for hurting you. Truly. It wasn't an easy decision to make." 

Carmen said it all with a straight face, though, inside, feelings of jealousy festered. She knew she wanted Julia to be happy, and that eventually that meant that the woman would find that with someone else. Someone who could be there for her, but Carmen was unprepared to face the reality of it. It made her yearn for Julia once again. Stronger than before. Carmen tried to remain resilient though. She couldn't bring herself to see Jules hurting again, especially not by her account.

"It's been nearly a year. We've changed. Things have changed. Well...drastically for you it seems," Carmen tried to joke, but her attempts to lighten the mood failed. "You're no longer with Interpol either...," she continued.

"You've clearly done your homework, Ms. Sandiego," Julia interrupted, purposefully referring to her formally, to subtly indicate that there was and should be distance between them.

Carmen picked up on how she was addressed, knowing this time, it wasn't used as a term of endearment, one that used to come with a playful smile. Somehow, those two words alone, hurt her, like sharp stab through the chest. She kept her feelings hidden though, as she nodded.

"I gave up on chasing you after that night," she explained. "I just...I couldn't bring myself to come into work every day, knowing that I was chasing someone that once meant so much to me. Someone, who was willing to just throw everything we had, away."

"Jules..."

"Don't. You were selfish Carmen. You thought only of your feelings and acted so righteously on your own accord, that you didn't even bother to think or ask about how I felt about any of it," she scolded with a harsh tone. "You just brushed away my feelings and covered it with your own guilt. Didn't you even think to ask if I was okay with any of it? How all your claims to save my feelings and have me find _love_ , were bullshit! For your information, I was happy with what we had. And, I would've probably been happy with it for a very long time, if it meant being with you. I would've put in the effort to make it work. But no, you just up and went, deciding for yourself that it was over."

Julia was clenching her hands into fists, her words and emotions finally pouring out after being kept inside for so long, waiting for this exact moment. The tears threatened to escape with her wants to cry, not out of sadness necessarily, but out of complete anger. She took a deep breath, trying to find her center, so that she could continue on without making more of a scene.

"To answer you, yes. I left Interpol. I left Paris. I left everything behind. Everything, that reminded me of you. At first, I did it because I was angry. So incredibly angry. But then..., the memories themselves just became too painful. I couldn't push past them, as much as I tried," she said, in a more controlled, but still annoyed tone.

After a short stint of silence, she gave a small smile, finding a bit of humor in how dumb she was, falling so quickly for Carmen. 

"We'd only dated a handful of times, but everything around Paris, everything in my old apartment, my job...everything reminded me of you. I just...I couldn't do it anymore. It was all so...stupid," she finished, eyes staring at her coffee, shaking her head, feeling shamed of having felt that way.

Carmen sat quietly, taking in everything that Julia was telling her. She hadn't realized the impact she had made, and how hard it had affected Julia. She thought once more about how she had regretted her actions that night. How she had beat herself up for ending everything before it had truly begun. Originally, she thought she was being selfless, now realizing that she hadn't.

"So you chose Italy...," the thief responded, not knowing what else to say.

"Tim did."

The sound of that name flowing out of Julia's mouth irritated Carmen. It was the jealousy peeking through. Of course it was. She immediately became interested in the timing of when Julia had met the man and inquired further.

"When did you guys meet anyway? It sounded as if he just showed up the next day and made you move to Italy...," she claimed, trying to sound curious, but her resentment of him was clear.

"Before you go jumping into any more conclusions of your own, Tim and I had been dating, long before I knew you ever existed. We were together years back in high school, breaking up temporarily at first while we both studied in our separate areas. He moved abroad to pursue history and I did not."

"Wait, so it was okay for you two to separate because you had different goals for your careers, but it's not for me?" Carmen said, sounding like a child getting unfair treatment.

"Don't be like this, Carmen. It's not the same. Not the way you went about it. Tim and I had discussed having a long-distance relationship and we tried it. But, our studies got the best of us and we couldn't make it work. We were already too committed to our education to make room for anything else, so we ended it. Amicably. But you," she continued, shaking her head as her anger tried to bubble up once more, "You didn't even bother giving us a chance. I knew what a long-distance relationship meant, and I understood the risks I was taking when I started dating you...but you just threw that all away..."

Carmen shut her mouth, knowing full well that her resentment and jealousy, and anything she would have said, would've make things worse.

"I reconnected with Tim after feeling so lost for so long. When we caught up, we realized we were such different people, but, after looking past that, there was also so much more that we had in common." 

Julia swallowed hard, knowing how this conversation would end, and she felt that it be sooner rather than later. The reunion between them wasn't doing either them any justice, and was just making the memories of each other quite bitter.

"So then you two are officially together," Carmen said under her breath.

"Committed. Indefinitely."

Carmen looked up to meet her gaze, trying to understand what her words truly meant. When their eyes connected, in that silence, they both understood. Julia, however, decided to solidify it, by saying it out loud.

"Carmen, Tim is my fiancé. He proposed to me last week," she said, her heart heavy at saying those words to the woman she once saw herself being with. However, at the same time, she felt a huge burden lift off her shoulders.

Julia tore her eyes away from Carmen, knowing that the woman wasn't going to take any of this well, and she was right. Even though Carmen tried to remain calm, Julia sensed it all in the shakiness of her voice, and from the corner of her eye, she swore she could see Carmen nearly twitching at the news.

"I'm...I'm happy for you Jules," she responded, trying to keep herself together. "You...you kept your end of the deal...to find someone who could love you the way I couldn't..."

"Carmen...don't..."

"No. I...I'm glad that you're happy. Really," she said truthfully, staring up at her ex with as much vulnerability behind those words as one could possibly have in their soul. And in that look, Julia knew that this torture needed to stop. For both of them.

"I should get back. My lunch break usually doesn't go on for this long," she said as she pulled some money out of her wallet, only to be stopped by Carmen's hand on hers, insisting that she'd take care of it. 

That slight touch, as simple as it was, threatened to bring to the surface all the feelings they buried for so long. Julia quickly pulled her hand away and cleared her throat, thanking her for her offer. She wasn't going to go down that path again. She couldn't. Even if she wanted to try things with Carmen again, she felt that she couldn't trust her heart to someone who was so willing to hurt it so much the first time. As she stood up, Carmen remained seated, feeling unsure about everything. 

"You will be in town for a while you say. Minding your next caper?" she asked, hiding her anxiousness behind a gentle smile.

"No. I mean, yes. But no," the thief answered in a confusing manner, causing her to furrow at how dumb she sounded.

Julia took amusement at her response. It'd been a while since she's seen her flustered like that, and it reminded her once more of the times they had shared.

"I mean that yes, I would be in town, but no, that it's not for a caper. Except maybe to steal you, Jules," she half-joked, but the woman didn't react the way she expected. Instead, the somber mood continued to linger over them both.

Julia pursed her lips and furrowed her brow slightly at the remark and was about to say something before Carmen apologized for it.

"I...I think my trip's going to be cut short actually," Carmen continued. "I think I over-estimated my stay..."

Julia knew that that was a painful response, making her feel sorry for having put Carmen through all that, considering that she had gone out of her way to fly and see her. But, she wondered what Carmen would have really expected, after all the time that had passed, and after what she'd put her through.

"You should stay. Enjoy the city. It's nice here. The weather should be accommodating for the next few days and it's rich with history here. Plenty to see. You'll like it..."

"Perhaps..."

Their lingering goodbyes were equally as uncomfortable as their entire conversation had been. Once more, Julia attempted to end their suffering.

"I believe this is where we part ways, Ms. Sandiego."

Carmen stood up to say goodbye, but in all actuality, all she wanted to do was pull Jules close to her and hold her tight. Her heart was willing to do so. As her foot stepped forward, she was immediately stopped by Julia's arm, reaching out for a casual handshake. Carmen's heart fell, realizing that Julia was firm on keeping her distance from her. She reluctantly took her hand, feeling the tenderness of her skin and the warmth that radiated off them. A tender reminder of things she missed. They shook hands, with Julia pulling away before the moment became too much.

"Goodbye Carmen," she said as she started to turn away.

"Goodbye....Jules...," Carmen responded, as her voice tapered away, choking back the emotions that kept threatening to come out.


	3. Facing The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:
> 
> 1) Updated the rating to "Mature", due to mild references to sex, alcohol and language. (Figured better safe than sorry.)
> 
> 2) If you've read this far...(don't hate me...)...the heartache gets worse. I'm sorry, that's just how the story went in my head (but see notes at the end.)
> 
> WARNINGS SERVED. If you want to proceed. Thanks for reading.

Player insisted that she stay the night and mull things over before she decided to leave forever. If there was anything left to be said, any action left to be done, he wanted her to have the chance to do it. As much as she wanted to just run from it all, she agreed, once more realizing that Player was being the voice of reason. She still wasn't sure how much he knew, but he clearly knew that there was something between her and Julia.

Carmen had spent part of the afternoon, walking through the streets of the city. Julia was right. There was so much there to love, and, had she been in a better place emotionally and mentally, she wouldn't have minded touring it all. But the bright sunlight, the bustling people, the beauty around her, made her sick. Every ounce of happiness she saw around her, felt stolen from her. Having nothing to turn to, she checked into her hotel, falling onto the bed, weary from the day's events.

It was later on that evening when she had finally awoken. It was quieter, but there was still life in the streets. She sat up, combing the hair away from her face, as she tried to get up. She looked over in the corner where she threw her bag, eventually getting up to fetch it. She pulled her laptop out and dumped the rest of it on the ground. Before she made it back to the mattress, she grabbed the bottle of wine from the counter, still wrapped in a paper bag. Eventually, she opened it, proceeding to make herself somewhat comfortable. 

Feeling just as miserable as she had before, she decided that she didn't care about drinking straight from the bottle. It wasn't like she was trying to impress anyone anyway. Just then, her phone rang. It was Player. She debated on answering it. She wasn't in the mood to chat at all, but he was persistent. Eventually she answered.

"Thought you'd pick up eventually," he greeted.

"Player, not now."

"How are you?"

"I'd be happier with a fight with Tigress. Or Paper Star. Anyone really."

"That bad, eh?"

"I just need some time. Too tired from today's travel and what not," she said, trying to hide the real reasons for her being upset.

She heard him sighing heavily on the phone. 

"You can cut the act, Red. It's gotta be clear to you by now, that I know about you and Julia, and how much her absence is literally killing you. Hell, it's physically hurt you before," he said, scrunching his face at the recollection of all the past incidences that nearly gave him a heart attack; with him later learning of how she'd come back injured from a job due to careless actions.

"Ugh, Player, I just don't wanna talk about it."

"You love her. For fuck's sake, Red, just tell her already."

"I can't!" she said exasperated. "I just...can't.."

"Why not? I've given you everything you needed to get you to her. Just go to her and tell her. Do you really need me to book you a car service to pick you up and..."

"No!" she said forcefully.

"Dammit. Your worse off than you were went you left. What the hell happened?"

"She's...engaged...," she said with defeat in her voice.

"No way..."

"Yea, some old boyfriend of hers came running back into her life," she said with sarcasm and resentment, as she took another drink from the bottle.

"I'm sorry, Red."

"Yea...me too."

"But hey, engaged isn't married yet. You still have time..."

"Player, just stop. Please."

"You're really just going to give up? The Carmen I know never gave up without a fight. You're really just gonna let some old boyfriend of hers take her away from you?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. She loves him. It's over. She's better off with him anyway. I couldn't..."

"Couldn't what? Love her better? Pardon my French, but I'm calling bull on that."

"Alright, I'm done here."

"Red. Go. To. Her."

"N-O. Honestly. Stop talking about what you don't know. You don't have any idea what I've put her through. She's moved on. She doesn't need me in..."

"Don't know?? Right. Maybe I don't know the specifics of what actually happened between you two, but I know for a fact that you love her, and you need to tell her that before you lose that chance forever. If it were me, I'd go out fighting. 'Cause, honestly, I can't imagine losing to another guy taking my girl away. Kissin' all over her, loving her, having sex with her..."

"Okay! This ends now!"

She ended the call and threw her phone across the room. She knew Player meant well, but it pissed her off to no end. Now, she wasn't just upset, depressed, and angry, but was also full on jealous, and thanks to her "Canadian Guardian Angel," she now had the visions to accompany those feelings.

She tossed her head back on the pillow, now remembering that man's face. Tim. She damned her photographic memory when it came to facial recognition, seeing every inch of his face clearly. She remembered how he held onto Julia when he had seen her earlier that day. Her mind easily worked to create nauseating images of his lips on Julia's, instead of hers. She saw his hands on her back, caressing her body, instead of hers. She watched him unzipping that white dress, sliding it down her shoulders and waist, then cupping her rear as he laid her in bed. The next thing her mind dared to show, was them actively having sex, Tim giving her pleasure, as Julia called out his name instead of hers.

She grunted furiously, tossing her pillow across the room. "Damn it, Player!"

She ran her hands down her face, then took a large swig of wine. Classy, she thought, as she looked at the bottle of red, wishing it was anything but. Her heart raced, her hands trembled, and her chest felt tight. Now, she was worked up more than ever. She grabbed her coat, but leaves her hat, instead, opting for the bottle. She manages to sneak up to the rooftop, where the cool breeze welcomed her. She shivered in its initial presence, but hoped that it would cool her down. She leaned up against what looked like a chimney stack, and laid her head upon it, taking drink after drink until the bottle was empty.

A while later, she was much calmer, but drunk. Being light-headed, she closed her eyes, trying to get the world to stop from spinning. In the midst of all that, of course, her mind would continue to torture her, eating at her vulnerable state even more by showing her even more visions of Julia....and Tim.

She folded her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around it so that she could lay her head down comfortably. The alcohol clouded her mind, but it cleared her feelings. For once, she could honestly admit that she regretted it all, wishing dearly that she could take it all back, but it was too late. Julia was happy with her soon-to-be husband, and a new life awaited them. The woman had moved, changed careers, and did everything she could to start over. Carmen fell into despair, knowing that it'd be wrong to mess with that ever again, realizing that she had truly lost her chance, clinging only to the faint idea that this was for the best. For Julia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so music and my mood really affects what I write, and this just happened one day. Sorry for the heartache to my fellow Carulia shippers. This one was based off of, "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers.
> 
> The good news is that I had the theme continue in my head with another song, and I felt guilty. So...I'm going to write a happier ending to this. It'll come out as a separate work, so that I can spare others the trauma of reading this one. Hopefully I can get that piece cleaned up and posted this weekend.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Feedback always appreciated.


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